Take A Position

We know where the candidates stand on the issues. Now it’s time for political posturing of a different sort.

By Hillary Quinn

The climax of the 2016 Presidential election has arrived. And we can’t wait to move beyond the Twitter fights and mean memes; it’s time to have a political party in the bedroom instead.

No, we’re not changing the conversation (well, kind of), but sex and politics have been firmly entwined since the days when Jefferson had a thing with Sallie Hemings, since they named a bedroom after Abe Lincoln, and since JFK did Monroe (Marilyn, not James).

As it turns out, what we do in the bedroom—and how we do it—may say a lot about who we are as people. So we felt it was time to take a good, hard look at positions of another sort, and run some political analysis…

Politically Correct (a.k.a. Missionary)

You may be a romantic at heart (what with all that look-’em-in-the-eye stuff), but adventurous and brave? Not so much. As in: We double-dare you to canvas for your candidate from house to house and not run for your life when you realize you’ve knocked on the worst door possible.

Liberal Contact (a.k.a. Spooning)

All that body-to-body, come-from-behind connection may win you the sweet and supportive vote (props to you for that, by the way), but don’t complain when you find yourself signed up to cold-call 10,000 households because of your good-natured personality.

Lobbyist (a.k.a. Standing Up)

Given that this position is one most often turned to for sex in illicit places (airplane bathrooms, alleys, elevators), we’re of the mindset that you have a bit of a naughty streak. And now we know who pulled the yard signs in the middle of the night.

Exit Poll (a.k.a. Doggy Style)

You little thrill-seeker, you. Nothing like being in the driver’s seat and never wanting to concede control. Only, would you please stop with those challenging Facebook arguments and relentless postings of dog-and-candidate lookalikes? You know you’re only doing it to get a rise out of us.

Convention Bounce (a.k.a. Cowgirl)

The shift in power during this she’s-on-top position shakes up the landscape a bit. (Or a lot.) But there’s something to be said for your take-charge, get-the-job-done approach.

Third Party Candidate (a.k.a. Threesome)

Don’t let dabbling in ménage make you question your moral center. After all, if you’re a Republican and you vote Democrat, it doesn’t all of a sudden make you a Democrat. What it does make you, we think, is the person most likely to throw the Election Night bash.

Hillary Quinn is a national lifestyle writer, whose work has appeared in many magazines, newspapers, and websites, including Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Good Housekeeping, and Brides.